Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Shoe Throwing Conspiracy

I have a colleague, HZM, who has this incredible ability to write about things in his own way.  I have encouraged him to start a blog of his own many times but having an email address is the closest he is to social networking via Internet yet.  

Below is his take at the famous shoe throwing incident.  This is a guest post by HZM:

Muntadhar al Zaidi’s daring act has won him world wide popularity and fame (at least in the Muslim countries). He has been hailed as a “Hero”, been presented a bravery award by a Libyan Charity Group, and a Saudi businessman has even offered US$10 million to buy the shoes hurled at President Bush. Even Venezuela’s President Chavez has applauded the man for his valor. So while Middle Eastern media and public consider this to be a “Courageous” act, the West read the same as “Outrageous”.

But the question that concerns you and I is not what the International Press and People think about the man, his act or the prevailing situation. What concerns us is its implications on “Pakistan”.

Yes, I know you’re wondering why this should affect Pakistan. But a little common sense will lead to believe that it has everything to do with Pakistan. It’s amazing how we find ourselves in the middle of all (mostly destructive) affairs. And I wonder why we complain that the World doesn’t give us any importance!

Mark my words, one way or the other, they (I’m not saying who) will link this with Pakistan. And I suppose they have every reason to do so. The following facts should convince you of the same:

1.                   So apart from being a Muslim, it has been found that Muntazar has links with Bata (Fata) in Pakistan.

2.                   He received training in throwing shoes while working in Bata. He used to be the man in the upper Store room who used to throw down shoes & boxes whenever a customer asked for a particular size. You can only improve your aim by training everyday to throw shoes from that little opening in the Store ceiling!

3.                   US Intelligence point out that while working in Bata, he was situated at one of the Tariq Road outlets. As there are more than one outlets in that area, CIA has asked the Pakistan Government to crack down on all of them on Tariq Road. Our President has gone a step further and has decided to close down all Bata stores in the city altogether. Kids will now be deprived of the free Tennis Ball that they used to get when buying “Back to School” shoes. Our Government has obviously misread the term “War on Terrorism” and interpret it as “War on Federalism”, and hence the actions against their own citizens.

4.                   Muntazar received special training in “Tying the Knot”, an exceptional tactic used by such terrorists to launch two shoes in a single throw by tying them together.

5.                   The Bata training camps were found to be equipped with a huge supply of WMDs (Weapons of Mass Designer-Shoes).

6.                   These camps were laced with “target practice equipment”, namely large size hardboard cutouts of a human figure with a picture of Pres. Bush pasted on the top.

7.                   Black, Brown & White Cherry Blossom Shoe Polish was found to be in-stock. Obviously, the BataMen (now dubbed as Batman) use this to smear their arms and faces for covert operations. (I wonder why would they use White Polish?!? … Maybe to disguise themselves as Goras when operating in a Western Country.)

8.                   Such was the barbarism (the single word quoted by a Western, so called, Human Rights Activist; when asked to describe the man’s act) of the Bata Sales Agents, that they used to openly display Shoes on shelves and the shop windows!

9.                   Not only that, they even invited others (namely customers) to come in and purchase the sophisticated weaponry. This was especially witnessed during the Eid Festival, where people horded the weapons for themselves. The young ones went a step further and bought the Nuke (in reality Nike) models. This indeed is Barbaric/Heroic.

10.               Finally, he was reported to have been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda and released after a few days. So common sense would tell you that there could be no possibly that he has any links with Al-Qaeda, else why would they kidnap him. Wrong! You obviously haven’t learned. Al-Qaeda picked him for at least one of the three reasons:

a.       To brain-wash him.

b.      To Give him a secret message (probably the words he shouted out at Bush) by pretending to kidnap him

c.       To train him in this deadly art. (Even the Japanese Ninja’s of long ago would be ashamed of themselves if they knew of this unique capability)

11.               The fact that Al-Qaeda released him (and did not slash his throat and post it on the Internet), and that too without any ransom (they don’t really need the money, they get enough funding from the CIA), proves my point that he has links with Al-Qaeda.

So if the above argument doesn’t convince you of the imminent dangers to Pakistan and its whatever-is-left Sovereignty; then you should start watching Geo!

For those who feel a little grumbled by the fact that the Shoes did not hit their intended target, don’t worry, there is a blessing in disguise. If it had hit Bush, he might have felt a little pain and would have forgotten all about the incident in a few days. But the fact that they narrowly missed him, will keep him on his toes for his life, because of the What If ?! scenario. As they say, “Curiosity killed the Cat” (in this case, the Dog!).

And what is to become of the man who started it all. Well, Saddam Hussain’s lawyer has offered to fight his case. Good luck Muntazar, because the last person that this lawyer tried to defend ended up at the Gallows!

The time has come to load your guns (meaning, to untie your shoe laces) and get ready for action! For those who have automatic weapons (i.e. not having any laces at all), even better!

This is your local report HZM signing off … reporting on behalf of all shoe owners!


  1. why thats a pretty explanation of how all the matters in the world are directly proportional to the current state of our Country :P Poor Bata Owners now they have to distribute all the tennis balls and school bags and pencils n rubbers to the poor kids roaming on the streets ;)

  2. ummm

    but Bata is a multinational with headquarters in Italy !!!

  3. @Tazeen: I just looked it up. You're right, it is a multinational. I didn't know it and neither did HZM, I suppose. Thanks for the correction. :)


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